This Pain I Feel
by Alyssa Hill or Lyssa
Summary: 'They're dead...what do I do? Only one thing comes to my mind...suicide...but is that the right thing to do'-Carlos feels helpless when he finds out something terrible has happened and has suicidal thoughts...but there is something he doesn't know...


**Hi everyone! I am the author of Carlos has a Twin and Boy Band and Ninjas, now I'm back with another story!(even though I'm not finished with the other stories:))**

**The summary doesn't say a lot because it will give everything away but if you stick with the story then I think you might like it:)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own big time rush **

**Without any further interruptions here is Chapter 1….**

**Carlos POV**

I am on the floor crying my eyes out. Just then I can't hold it any longer, I start to scream. People who can hear me scream from outside in the hall of my apartment floor probably think I'm dying or being raped or something…but that's not the case… though I rather be raped then feel this pain that is 10 times worse than anything else…

Why did this happen to me? Did I do something wrong to deserve this?

All I can think of is 'Why me? Why am I going through this?'

You're probably wondering why I, Carlos Garcia, AKA the happy-go-lucky guy of the band Big Time Rush, would be screaming at the top of my lungs and crying on the floor? Well, it started when I got that phone call…and it all went downhill from there…

_This Morning_

_I woke up this morning and did my normal routine: wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast with the guys, brush my teeth, etc._

_But this morning was different. I have no clue why though._

"_Morning guys, Mama Knight, and Katie." I said happily as I walked through the kitchen. I was dressed in my black tank top with my gray sweat pants. I went and got some milk. Then I started making myself some toast. The guys were sitting at the table with Katie while Mama Knight was standing by the island table. The guys seemed deep in conversation before I walked in but they stopped and smiled at me, and replied to what I said._

"_Morning, Los." Kendall replied. He's eating Fruit Loops with milk in his bowl. _

"_Good morning, Carlitos." Logan said with a smile. He is eating a banana._

"_Morning, little buddy." James said. He's eating cereal too but he is eating Lucky Charms with milk in a glass because he doesn't like when his cereal gets soggy._

"_Morning Carlos." Katie and Mama Knight said in unison. Then Mama Knight said, "Guys, Katie and I are going to Minnesota for a few days, so be good, no rough housing, don't get the apartment messy and don't get hurt."_

"_Yes ma'am." The guys and I said. _

_Mama Knight nodded her head. Then she and Katie left with their suit cases on a rolling cart like hotels have. They had a lot of suitcases. Maybe they have presents in them for our family members or something?_

_I grabbed my toast and cup of milk, and sat at the table beside James on my right and Kendall and Logan across from us._

"_So, what were you guys talking about?"I asked curiously._

"_Oh..uh…"Kendall stuttered._

"_Cuda Products!" James said for Kendall._

"_Yeah…they smell amazing and I was…thinking about…getting some for myself." Logan said._

"_Cool, but I didn't think you liked Cuda?" I asked._

"_I changed my mind." He said._

"_Oh ok," I replied. "So, what are you guys going to do today?"_

"_Were going to some boring Lecture with Logan and we didn't think you would want to come." Kendall said, "Do you?"_

"_No thanks, I'll pass." I said with a bored look. "Just thinking about it makes me bored. Why are you guys going to this lecture?"_

"_We lost a bet that we made with Logan." James replied, "Kendall and I bet Logan that he couldn't run in the lobby in only his boxers, which have hearts on them, while wearing high heels. He had to stand on top of the check-in desk and shout out 'I'm beautiful just the way I am and I love ponies and Bigfoot is real and I'll prove it to all of you!' " _

"_But that's not the best part! Once he got down from the desk he had to give Bitters a kiss on the cheek! After that he tried to skip in his heels and kept staggering like if he were drunk." Kendall said with a smile._

"_I am shocked, he actually did the bet?" I asked while smiling at Logan who looked uncomfortable. This sounds like a funny bet but where was I when Kendall and James bet Logan and then he did the bet?_

"_Yeah, you should have been there, Los. It was hilarious!" James said through fits of laughter that were mixed with his and Kendall's recognizable laughs. Logan sat there glaring at them._

"_Where was I when all this happened?" I asked confused by all of this. This is weird. Usually I'm with them all day, every day, 24/7_**(A/N: I love using BTR song lyrics in my stories :). **_Most of the time anyways._

"_Don't you remember, Carlos?" Logan asked._

"_No, where was I?" I asked again hoping they would just tell me._

"_You were in Palm Wood's park and you got attacked by a squirrel. Your face was all scratched up so you came back here and went to your room to lay down for a couple of hours." Kendall said like it was the most obvious thing in the world._

_Oh yeah! I did get attacked by a squirrel three days ago! I just wanted to hold it but I didn't realize that it was a mother and her babies were close by. Before I even went to grab it though I knew I probably wouldn't be able to hold it. But I did it anyways._

_I touched the healing scratches on my face subconsciously._

"_Now I remember! You guys must have done that while I was sleeping then."_

"_Yep, that's what we did." James said confidently._

_Logan looked at his watch and said, "We better get going or we're going to be late." He takes his peeling and throws it in the trash then puts his cup in the sink._

_Kendall and James stand up with their empty bowls, including James's milk glass, and put them in the sink. James grabs his wallet and luck comb and heads toward the door with Logan._

"_You know we're going to be gone for a few hours, so when we get back we don't expect there to be a huge mess. Understand?" Logan said going into mother hen mode. _

"_I understand perfectly." I said with a smile of mischief on my face. _

"_Carlos, I'm serious." Logan said with a stern look, "If we come home and find a mess….."_

"_I thought you guys were going to be late?" I cut him off. I smiled because he had a frantic look on his face._

"_Oh! Okay but heed my warning!" Logan says while opening the door. "Bye Los."_

"_Bye Litos, and are you sure you're going to be okay here by yourself for a couple hours?"James asked a little concern evident in his voice. _

"_I'll be fine, you don't have to worry." I said._

"_All right." He said._

"_See you later, Carlitos. Have fun."_

"_Okay, bye guys." I waved at them._

_They all went out of the apartment and when the door shut…the party started!_

_**(A Few hours later: Music and singing playing really loud from a radio)**_

"_**Do you love me?" – **__I'm sing out loud while doing the Twist (__**A/N: The Twist is a type of dance if you didn't know :))**__! Also, I'm in just my boxers running around the living room and going down swirly! It's so much fun! Plus, there is stuff strung out everywhere including ice cream wrappers, my clothes I was wearing earlier and anything else that was in my path while I was dancing! I feel so hyper! Logan's probably going to be mad at me but I don't really care at this point because I never get to do this! I love running around in my boxers and going crazy so I just keep singing and dancing…_

_**(I can really move)**_

"_**Do you love me?"**_

_**(I'm in the grove)**_

"_**Ah, do you love me?"**_

_**(Do you love me?)**_

_**Now that I can Dance**_

"_**Watch me now."**_

_**(Oh work, work)**_

"_**Oh, work it all baby."**_

_**(Work, work)**_

"_**Well, you're driving me crazy!"**_

_The Music switches to a different song I know and am singing and dancing along to…_

_**Hey, I just met you,**_

_**And this is Crazy, **_

_**But here's my number,**_

_**So call me, maybe!**_

_**It's hard to look right**_

_**At you baby,**_

_**But here's my number,**_

_**So call me, maybe!**_

_**Hey, I just met you,**_

_**And this is crazy,**_

_**But here's my number,**_

_**So call me, maybe!**_

_Then Gangnam Style started to play but I couldn't dance anymore. I have been dancing for hours and need a break, so I turn the music volume down and go lay on the couch. But as soon as I get comfortable my phone starts ringing. I get up and walk to the kitchen counter and grab my phone before whoever is calling me decides to hang up._

_I press the answer button and said, "Hello?"_

"_Yeah, that's me, why?" I asked. _

"_What? You're joking right? If you are joking then this is a sick joke and I'm not buying it." I said angrily._

"_NO, I DON"T BELIEVE YOU!" I shout at my phone._

"_No, no, no, no…please stop joking around…it's not funny… why are you lying to me?" I asked with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't wait for the reply on the other end of the phone and I just hung up the phone and fell on the couch and sobbed loudly._

**(Happening Now)**

My throat is raw from all the screaming I've been doing and right now I just feel numb.

But tears still roll down my face and onto our orange couch.

The words still plaguing my mind: Why is all this happening?

Better question: How am I going to tell everyone without falling apart?

…

I don't know…

…

All I know is that …

Is that…

It's hard to breathe now… and… think straight…

I can hardly say it but…

My best friends are…dead…

**There you go guys! The first chapter is done and I'm really excited for this story and what you guys think of it!:)**

**5 reviews to continue this story but I would love if I got more than that :D**

**Disclaimer- I do not own Big Time Rush, Do You Love Me by The Contours(I love 80's songs so I knew I just had to add this song in there), and Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen.**

**Carlos' dancing scene I got from the Nanny when Niles was dancing to Old Time Rocking Roll and when I watched it, I thought it would be something that Carlos did! So I had to include it!**

**Remember to favorite, follow and review this story if you like it!**

**PM me your ideas for this story if you have any you want me to write:)**

**Alyssa Out Bye!:)**


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